How to Talk About Identity and Help Your Child Feel Grounded in Who They Are
I was born in Kenya to an English dad and a Malagasy mother.
Growing up, identity was never a simple thing for me. I didn’t quite fit in anywhere perfectly. In Kenya, I was “too foreign.” In England, I was “too African.” And in Madagascar, I was somewhere in between, familiar but still different.
For a long time, I didn’t have the language to explain who I was. I just knew I didn’t fully belong anywhere.
Now that I’m older, and especially since becoming a parent, I understand how important it is to talk about identity, openly, early, and often (already at the age of 3). Because when parents don’t start those conversations at home, the world will do it for them. And the world isn’t always gentle.
How to Start the Conversation
You don’t need to sit your child down for a serious “talk.” Identity can be woven naturally into everyday life. It starts in small, simple moments.
When you’re cooking, tell stories about where that recipe comes from. When you see family photos, talk about the people in them, where they lived, what they valued, what parts of them live on in your child.
If your child makes an observation like, “My skin is darker than yours,” “my hair is curlier than yours” don’t rush past it. That’s a perfect opportunity to affirm and teach. You can say, “Yes, you have your dad’s eyes and my skin. That’s what makes you special. You carry both of us.”
Representation is also key. Fill your home with books, art, and media that reflect who your child is not just one side, but all sides. Seeing themselves mirrored in positive ways builds pride and belonging.
And if you’re a monocultural parent raising a mixed child, don’t worry about getting everything right. Just be curious. Learn alongside them. You can say, “I didn’t grow up with this part of your culture, but I want to learn with you.” That humility builds trust and connection.
The Goal Isn’t Perfection, It’s Connection
My in-laws are Moroccan, and they recently came back from Morocco with gifts. Among them were dried almonds and grapes from the same trees I ate from years ago when we visited
When I tasted them again, it reminded me of how deeply identity and heritage are rooted not just in geography, but in memory. It’s those sensory things — the smells, tastes, and stories — that keep us connected to who we are.
Our children deserve to feel that same sense of connection. They deserve to know where they come from and to feel proud of it, every piece of it.
Helping them build that understanding isn’t about perfection. It’s about creating safety. It’s about helping them stand in their fullness, knowing they never have to hide or shrink parts of themselves to fit in.
